No catchy title today

I usually spend several minutes trying to come up with some catchy or funny title for my posts. I guess my English teachers drove into me that every essay needs a good title. Right now, though, I'm not sure there is an appropriate title for what I feel.

We are planning a Baby Dedication service for Natalie and Abigail, so I have spent the last hour researching to find prayers, blessing, liturgies, and songs. Somehow, my search for songs led me to uTube and a dedication for a little baby. Along the side were related videos that included dedications and memorials to babies that had died. Some of the babies had died of SIDS, others of prematurity.

One video showed two tiny, tiny twin boys, Cody and Kyle. Born weighing 1lb 8.5 and 1 lb 6.5, Kyle died on his birthday. His twin died the next day. The video is heartbreaking. The parents, daughter, and grandma were able to hold and spend time with the little boys after they passed away. Wrapped in little blankets, they were so tiny.

I looked at the teeny, tiny babies and was once again reminded of how easily our lives could have been completely different. Against the odds, our babies survived. Against even greater odds, our babies have thrived. Natalie and Abigail are happy, contented, smiley, joyful, inquisitive, beautiful, curious, good babies who fill us with joy and happiness. So, they don't eat and I get so frustrated and feel like such a failure. Then they smile at me and reach for me and it just doesn't matter.

The internet is a fickle friend. It can suck your time away into some black hole where you look up and suddenly you've been doing absolutely nothing for hours. Or, it can provide a medium through which we can communicate with family and friends about our little girls. It can give you a window into all things perverse and unseemly, or it can allow you access to resources that can help plan a dedication service that will reflect the joy and thankfulness we feel for Natalie and Abby. The internet can fan the flames of worry and doubt by linking you to every manner of sickness or disaster that can strike a soul, or it can remind you that for whatever reason, you have escaped the unimaginable grief so many parents endure when they lose a child.

I have to feed, or try to feed my babies now. They are asleep, so at least it won't be a fight. Even if they eat well, they will still only top out at about 500mls for the day. But, they are here to feed, and I am so grateful. Instead of holding my girls in my arms while they sleep, I could be staring at an empty nursery and an empty crib.

Life is so tenuous. I take for granted so much so often. I get tired and cranky and frustrated and forget how it could have all been so different in an instant. I've just spent nearly 3 hours on the computer when I could have been doing any number of productive things: laundry, cleaning, reading. However, I've been reminded once again of what is really important and how overwhelmingly fortunate we are to have our baby girls. Maybe there are clothes that need folding, dishes to put away, a kitchen to clean and more clothes to wash, but all in all, I think it was time well spent.

My babies and a bottle wait for me...I shall greet them with joy and thanksgiving.