It's very early on Tuesday morning, July 31. Today the girls are 12 weeks old and 37 weeks gestation. We've been on this NICU journey for 84 days. Wow - when I write that, I can't believe it. Has it really been that long. Ben and I were talking, and it just doesn't seem like 3 months have already passed. When the girls were born, their due date and target home date seemed so far away and we couldn't imagine how we would make it. Now, there is light at the end of the tunnel and the forecast looks great!
Here are my prediction:
Abby
* Abby is steadily gaining weight. At this rate I think she will hit 4lbs by August 8 - in one week.
* She is now receiving at least 3 of her 8 feedings a day by bottle and taking all or nearly all of each feeding. I think she will take all of them within the next two weeks - by August 15 - her 3 month birthday.
* With all her progress, I really feel that Abigail will make it home by her due date - August 20 (a Monday). I think she'll come home at about 4 lbs 9 oz.
Natalie
* Natalie is doing really well, but is still almost 11 ounces behind Abby. She had some setbacks in growing, but she seems to be taking off now. I predict that she will hit 4 lbs by August 15.
* Natalie is also doing well with her bottles, but again, started almost two weeks behind Abby. She is trying 3 bottles a day as well, but not eating them as completely as often as Abby. I think she will need an extra week or two and may come home around August 31.
Regardless of how accurate my predictions are, I feel fairly certain that Abigail will come home before Natalie. This is good and bad. We hate for the girls to be separated again. It will also make visiting Natalie complicated as I'm pretty sure Abby is not allowed back in once they send her home. So, we will have to visit one on one. The positive side is that Ben and I will have a chance to figure out how to take care of one baby before we have to figure out two!
If we ask the doctors about them coming home, they just say things like, "it depends on them". I think they hate to build up any hopes. But, I am less concerned about being wrong, so I have started seriously preparing for life with Abby in 3 weeks. We have organized their closet and begun the finishing touches on the Nursery. I'm also going to be in high gear wrapping up loose ends (like paper work, insurance stuff,etc.) and get their scrapbooks up to date. Life is about to take off!
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Catching up...
Okay - I've been kind of slack in posting. It's been a busy week. I was out of town Sunday through Thursday. Thursday evening my mom and mema arrived and stayed until Sunday. Then on Saturday, I started getting sick with a cold and then developed a fever yesterday. I think I'm on the mend, but it's been pretty crazy. But, I have been busy posting and uploading pictures, so be sure to check the picture site. I'll have more videos soon. They take forever to load though.
So - now for the updates.
The girls keep growing and growing. The nurses at Duke said they would hit a point and just start gaining and gaining. I think they are there.
Abby:
Sun - 1584g
Mon - 1624g (3.9lbs)
Natalie
Sun - 1281g
Mon - 1302g (2lbs 13.9oz)
Natalie remains about a half a pound behind. They are both doing really well with their bottle feedings. Friday, Natalie was moved to 3 hour feedings and now is feed at 8,11,2,5... Abby is feed at 12,3,6,9,... Both are taking full bottles occasionally. I think they are being feed by bottle at least once per shift - which means 3 times a day. I really want to work on breastfeeding again as soon as I am well. I haven't seen the girls since Friday. Of course, I was out-of-town before that, so our practice schedule has been all messed up. Hopefully, in a few days I can visit again everyday and start practicing every day. Mommy needs as much practice as they do!
So - now for the updates.
The girls keep growing and growing. The nurses at Duke said they would hit a point and just start gaining and gaining. I think they are there.
Abby:
Sun - 1584g
Mon - 1624g (3.9lbs)
Natalie
Sun - 1281g
Mon - 1302g (2lbs 13.9oz)
Natalie remains about a half a pound behind. They are both doing really well with their bottle feedings. Friday, Natalie was moved to 3 hour feedings and now is feed at 8,11,2,5... Abby is feed at 12,3,6,9,... Both are taking full bottles occasionally. I think they are being feed by bottle at least once per shift - which means 3 times a day. I really want to work on breastfeeding again as soon as I am well. I haven't seen the girls since Friday. Of course, I was out-of-town before that, so our practice schedule has been all messed up. Hopefully, in a few days I can visit again everyday and start practicing every day. Mommy needs as much practice as they do!
Nana and Mema hold the girls - July 20
Friday, Nana and Mema got to hold the girls for the first time. I'm not sure who was more excited. My grandmother has not actually been feeling very well. She even said that if it had been for any other reason than to hold the babies - she would have stayed home. The look on her face was just priceless. My mema is blind, so for her, holding them is the only way she can really see them and appreciate their size. She felt their little heads and hands and couldn't believe how small they were. Nana was also beaming. She held them like a pro. Definitely check out the pictures on the site to see the happiest grandmothers in the world.
July 20 - First Family Photo
We finally have a picture of our whole family together! It was so wonderful to hold both girls (although a bit of a handful!). It is so exciting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and began to see the four of us as a family. We are so blessed to have such beautiful children.
Friday, July 20 - Together at Last!!
The girls are together again! Today while Nana, Mema, and Mommy were visiting, Abigail's isolette malfunctioned. The nurse decided to put them together until Abby received a new condo. But, she said if they held their temps well she would leave them together. Since, I'm late in reporting, I can happily say that 3 days later they are still roommates. They are just adorable and we were able to get our first pictures of the girls together.** Ben wasn't there when it first happened, but we went back again later in the evening and he had his first look at them. They are just so cute and when I see them together it really starts to sink in that there are two of them!!
**This isn't entirely accurate. One of our sweet nurses at Duke, Gina, staged a surprise photo shoot of the girls. She took some adorable shots of the girls that I will try to scan in and post. But, this was the first time I had seen them together and could take pictures.
(Natalie is on the left and Abigail on the right)
Friday, July 27, 2007
The Baby Garden
At this stage in the game, the nursery becomes a place to feed and grow - basically a Baby Garden! This year, we're looking at a bumper crop.
Natalie's last weight I have is from Tuesday - 1162g (2.9lbs). She is still being feed on an on 2/off 2 hr schedule at 2,6,10,2... She's currently getting 17 ml per hour (34 ml in two hours). They will probably switch her to a 3 hour feed (1 on/ 2 off) soon. She started working with OT/Speech on Tuesday with some nippling (sucking on nipple top with milk dripped in open end). She's doing really well. She took 11 ml her first go! Yesterday (Thursday) she had her first actual bottle and drank 15 of 17 ml. We had her first "Lick and Learn" session today to introduce her to the breast. She did very well. She had already been awake quite a while but stayed alert and had a few good sucks.
Abigail continues to get bigger and bigger! Tuesday she weighed in at 1427g (3.233 lbs). She's on a 30min on/2.5 hour off feeding schedule at 12,3,6,9,12... They are now trying her with a bottle at least once each shift (3 shifts at D.Regional) and she's doing really well. She's basically taking a full bottle of 29ml. Tonight I'm hoping to try breastfeeding her a full feed, so we will see how it goes.
They really are doing well. At this rate I wouldn't be surprised at all if Abby is home by her due date of Aug 20. Natalie is a little behind, so she may follow a week or two later. It's very exciting to think we are so close. We still face the chance of possible infections (including NEC - don't forget our chant!), but if we can avoid all that, they'll be home very soon!
Natalie's last weight I have is from Tuesday - 1162g (2.9lbs). She is still being feed on an on 2/off 2 hr schedule at 2,6,10,2... She's currently getting 17 ml per hour (34 ml in two hours). They will probably switch her to a 3 hour feed (1 on/ 2 off) soon. She started working with OT/Speech on Tuesday with some nippling (sucking on nipple top with milk dripped in open end). She's doing really well. She took 11 ml her first go! Yesterday (Thursday) she had her first actual bottle and drank 15 of 17 ml. We had her first "Lick and Learn" session today to introduce her to the breast. She did very well. She had already been awake quite a while but stayed alert and had a few good sucks.
Abigail continues to get bigger and bigger! Tuesday she weighed in at 1427g (3.233 lbs). She's on a 30min on/2.5 hour off feeding schedule at 12,3,6,9,12... They are now trying her with a bottle at least once each shift (3 shifts at D.Regional) and she's doing really well. She's basically taking a full bottle of 29ml. Tonight I'm hoping to try breastfeeding her a full feed, so we will see how it goes.
They really are doing well. At this rate I wouldn't be surprised at all if Abby is home by her due date of Aug 20. Natalie is a little behind, so she may follow a week or two later. It's very exciting to think we are so close. We still face the chance of possible infections (including NEC - don't forget our chant!), but if we can avoid all that, they'll be home very soon!
Mommy meets the new NICU...
...and, well, it didn't go very well. Mommy doesn't care much for Durham Regional's Special Care Nursery. The nurses are fine and nice, but it's the little things - like the long sleeve (read HOT) plastic-like gowns to have to wear, and the hard wooden rocking chairs without cushions which make holding your baby for hours oh-so-much-fun. My "favorite" new thing is the incredibly stupid visitation rule. Each baby can have two visitors which can either be parents or grandparents. End of sentence. Period. That's the whole list. So, that means that my sister, Ben's brother, our sister-in-law, my aunts and uncles that live near by, friends, or Ben's cousins who are coming from Atlanta to see the babies can not get into the room to see them. No one. They can stand at the window in the next room and peer through as we hold them up like auction pieces. Mommy is very, very annoyed. Also, the lactation consultant gave me a look because I was late today getting there for a lick and learn with Natalie, later gave me a thinly disguised lecture on the importance of being on time, and also acted like I just fell off the turnip truck when it came to holding my baby. She kept her hands under her the whole time like I was going to drop her or something. AND, the speech/OT lady yesterday refused to let me give Natalie her first bottle ever because she "needed to watch how she did with it". Hello - you're sitting right there - you can't see her from a foot away? Yesterday was my first visit, and ultimately I got so upset I had to leave for a while.
Anyways...I'm often not particularly fond of changes, and this is definately one I'd just as soon as skipped. We would have been perfectly happy staying at Duke until they came home. I know, I know, other sick little babies need to be there more than we do, but that's not going to make me feel much better when I can't take anyone to visit my babies. I have a feeling before this is all over, I will have a few strong words with whoever is in charge.
Okay, I'm finished whining for now. Sometimes, you just have to vent...
As die-hard Tar Heel fans, here's something I never thought I'd here myself say..."we love Duke, we love Duke, we love Duke!"
Anyways...I'm often not particularly fond of changes, and this is definately one I'd just as soon as skipped. We would have been perfectly happy staying at Duke until they came home. I know, I know, other sick little babies need to be there more than we do, but that's not going to make me feel much better when I can't take anyone to visit my babies. I have a feeling before this is all over, I will have a few strong words with whoever is in charge.
Okay, I'm finished whining for now. Sometimes, you just have to vent...
As die-hard Tar Heel fans, here's something I never thought I'd here myself say..."we love Duke, we love Duke, we love Duke!"
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Ode to Duke's nurses - Angels among us
We are so sad to be leaving Duke today for Durham Regional and leaving the wonderful nursing staff who have taken such good care of our babies. We've gotten to know a few of their primary nurses well as we see them almost everyday. Noel, Gina, and Brenda have been wonderful. They have taken to our babies like they were their own. We are so grateful for such kind and loving people to be there for our babies when we couldn't be. There are others whose names I don't know but whose faces always brought great comfort and security knowing they were there. My dad says that he prays for the nurses at every change of shift. I thought this was such a beautiful idea.
There's an old song by Alabama that I have always loved:
"Angels Among Us"
I was walking home from school
on a cold winter day.
Took a shortcut through the woods,
and I lost my way.
It was getting late,
and I was scared and alone.
But then a kind old man
took my hand and led me home.
Mama couldn't see him,
but he was standing there.
And I knew in my heart,
he was the answer to my prayers.
Chorus
Oh I believe there are angels among us.
Sent down to us from somewhere up above.
They come to you and me in our darkest hours.
To show us how to live,
to teach us how to give.
To guide us with a light of love.
When life held troubled times,
and had me down on my knees.
There's always been someone there
to come along and comfort me.
A kind word from a stranger,
to lend a helping hand.
A phone call from a friend,
just to say I understand.
And ain't it kind of funny
that at the dark end of the road.
Someone lights the way
with just a single ray of hope.
Chorus
They wear so many faces,
show up in the strangest places.
To guide us with their mercy,
in our time of need.
Chorus
To guide us with a light of love.
I truly believe there are angels among us. Some of them, we can't see. They are those beings created specially by God to do his bidding and serve His purpose. They have appeared through time to teach, to guide, to save or to exclaim the goodness, mercy and love of God. There are also human angels, in the most literal sense of the definition of the word. Coming from a word that means "messenger", God's human angels are also there when we need them - to love, to care, to comfort, and to be tangible reminders of God's love for us. We have been so blessed to be surrounded by so many angels, both, I believe, from heaven and from earth, and we are so grateful.
There's an old song by Alabama that I have always loved:
"Angels Among Us"
I was walking home from school
on a cold winter day.
Took a shortcut through the woods,
and I lost my way.
It was getting late,
and I was scared and alone.
But then a kind old man
took my hand and led me home.
Mama couldn't see him,
but he was standing there.
And I knew in my heart,
he was the answer to my prayers.
Chorus
Oh I believe there are angels among us.
Sent down to us from somewhere up above.
They come to you and me in our darkest hours.
To show us how to live,
to teach us how to give.
To guide us with a light of love.
When life held troubled times,
and had me down on my knees.
There's always been someone there
to come along and comfort me.
A kind word from a stranger,
to lend a helping hand.
A phone call from a friend,
just to say I understand.
And ain't it kind of funny
that at the dark end of the road.
Someone lights the way
with just a single ray of hope.
Chorus
They wear so many faces,
show up in the strangest places.
To guide us with their mercy,
in our time of need.
Chorus
To guide us with a light of love.
I truly believe there are angels among us. Some of them, we can't see. They are those beings created specially by God to do his bidding and serve His purpose. They have appeared through time to teach, to guide, to save or to exclaim the goodness, mercy and love of God. There are also human angels, in the most literal sense of the definition of the word. Coming from a word that means "messenger", God's human angels are also there when we need them - to love, to care, to comfort, and to be tangible reminders of God's love for us. We have been so blessed to be surrounded by so many angels, both, I believe, from heaven and from earth, and we are so grateful.
Monday, July 23, 2007
On the road...
Abigial and Natalie are once again on the move! Their first road trip took place this evening as they were transferred from Duke to Durham Regional's Special Care Nursery. They moved over between 9:30 and 10pm. We are excited about the move since it means they are believed to be stable enough to not need the intensive care they have been getting. Their goal now is to feed and grow. However, we are actually quite sad that we are leaving Duke. They have been great to us and we were rather used to the place. It felt comfortable. Now, we have to learn a new system with new rules and new nurses. I'm sure it will be fine, but change is always hard - even sometimes when it's good.
The girls have had a great last few days. Poppy was here Thursday-Sunday for a visit. It was nice for him not to have to peak and run. We actually spent a lot of quality time with the girls. After a disastrous road trip from NYC that involved her car's engine dying, numerous tows trucks, a hotel stay and a rental car, Aunt Kimmy finally made in to NC nearly 24 hours later than expected. But, all was forgotten when she was able to be the first family member to hold Natalie. She was excited about holding her namesake for the first time. After patiently waiting nearly 3 days, Poppy had his time with Natalie too. Of course, Kimberly held Abby for her first time too and even had the privilege of changing a poopy diaper. It was one of the fun ones that keeps on going after you take off the diaper! Speaking of diapers - Abby and her chubby self have moved up to the next size of diapers. I think the nurses were tired of changing her bedding all the time. Kimberly has also brought them tiny little NICU approved shirts for them to wear that snap in the front. She dressed them up and they are just adorable.
Here are the stats for the last few days:
Natalie - Nat has been receiving a calorie boost to her food for a few days now to help her gain weight. She seems to have stalled out a bit.
Fri - 1057g
Sat - 1084g
Sun - 1113g
Mon - 1106g
Abby - Abby has been very busy learning to eat. I found out that she did NOT actually have her first bottle without me on Thursday as I reported. They did what's called "nipple feeding" They take the nipple top and let her suck on it while they squeeze milk into the open end as she sucks it down. I think it must be harder to suck the whole bottle because of the pressure or something so this is a stepping stone. She did great with it. When I found out she didn't have the bottle, I left a request to wait for me. Unfortunately, the nurse Saturday morning misunderstood the note and gave Abby her first bottle early Sat morning. So, I missed it after all. She reported she did very well. I tried to give her a bottle about 3pm Sat afternoon, but she was too sleepy and just fell asleep. They try either a bottle or nipple feeding at least once, maybe twice a day. It takes a lot of energy for them (they have to get out of the isolette of course) so they don't want to tire her out. So, far it doesn't seem to be a problem as she continues to fatten up.
Fri - 1324g
Sat - 1356g
Sun - 1382g (3lbs, 1 oz)
Mon - 1398g
I am currently in Brooklyn with Kimberly, but will be returning Thursday. I will probably start spending more and more time with the girls working on breastfeeding, the bottles, and nipple feeding. I will probably start trying to "lick and learn" with Natalie when I get home. It's time to really work on fattening her up. Ben is already doing a great job playing single dad and taking care of them. All we have to do now is continue to feed and grow (and avoid NEC and any other evil bug) and they'll be home before we know it!
The girls have had a great last few days. Poppy was here Thursday-Sunday for a visit. It was nice for him not to have to peak and run. We actually spent a lot of quality time with the girls. After a disastrous road trip from NYC that involved her car's engine dying, numerous tows trucks, a hotel stay and a rental car, Aunt Kimmy finally made in to NC nearly 24 hours later than expected. But, all was forgotten when she was able to be the first family member to hold Natalie. She was excited about holding her namesake for the first time. After patiently waiting nearly 3 days, Poppy had his time with Natalie too. Of course, Kimberly held Abby for her first time too and even had the privilege of changing a poopy diaper. It was one of the fun ones that keeps on going after you take off the diaper! Speaking of diapers - Abby and her chubby self have moved up to the next size of diapers. I think the nurses were tired of changing her bedding all the time. Kimberly has also brought them tiny little NICU approved shirts for them to wear that snap in the front. She dressed them up and they are just adorable.
Here are the stats for the last few days:
Natalie - Nat has been receiving a calorie boost to her food for a few days now to help her gain weight. She seems to have stalled out a bit.
Fri - 1057g
Sat - 1084g
Sun - 1113g
Mon - 1106g
Abby - Abby has been very busy learning to eat. I found out that she did NOT actually have her first bottle without me on Thursday as I reported. They did what's called "nipple feeding" They take the nipple top and let her suck on it while they squeeze milk into the open end as she sucks it down. I think it must be harder to suck the whole bottle because of the pressure or something so this is a stepping stone. She did great with it. When I found out she didn't have the bottle, I left a request to wait for me. Unfortunately, the nurse Saturday morning misunderstood the note and gave Abby her first bottle early Sat morning. So, I missed it after all. She reported she did very well. I tried to give her a bottle about 3pm Sat afternoon, but she was too sleepy and just fell asleep. They try either a bottle or nipple feeding at least once, maybe twice a day. It takes a lot of energy for them (they have to get out of the isolette of course) so they don't want to tire her out. So, far it doesn't seem to be a problem as she continues to fatten up.
Fri - 1324g
Sat - 1356g
Sun - 1382g (3lbs, 1 oz)
Mon - 1398g
I am currently in Brooklyn with Kimberly, but will be returning Thursday. I will probably start spending more and more time with the girls working on breastfeeding, the bottles, and nipple feeding. I will probably start trying to "lick and learn" with Natalie when I get home. It's time to really work on fattening her up. Ben is already doing a great job playing single dad and taking care of them. All we have to do now is continue to feed and grow (and avoid NEC and any other evil bug) and they'll be home before we know it!
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Another good day
Today is another good day. It's a tie today for who gets the gold star. Natalie has moved on up - or down - depending on how you look at it. She has joined Abigail in the TCN. She's doing very, very well. Abby receives a star for doing so well with Occupational Therapy (OT). They tried her on a bottle to see how she did. I'm told she did very well. I wasn't there since no one told me they were going to try it. I was a little annoyed, well, actually, quite a bit annoyed, because I wanted to see her take her first bottle. Oh, well. I guess since most parents can't be there at the drop of a hat they don't think about letting them know. In general the nurses are really good at keepsake type things. They made a special point to give us their first little hospital bracelets. They also gave us Abby's little tiny blood pressure cuff for her baby book. She's outgrown it and moved to #2 now! So, I guess I can't be that mad. I will make a point of leaving a note with OT about calling for Natalie's first try. we also have a note for the nurses to hold on Natalie's first real bath because we want to do it.
Speaking of baths...Abigail is once again squeaky clean. Daddy gave her a bath tonight with Poppy and Mommy looking on. This time instead of a real baby tub, we just used a squarish, pink basin. It is now her very own. She did really great this time and barely cried at all. It totally poops her out though. She is so tired and sluggish after and falls sound asleep. Daddy said he just loved being able to hold her so much and look her in the face. Maybe he'll say a few words about it (hint, hint, Daddy).
Their weights are in:
Nat:
Wed night - 1056g
Thurs. night - 1063g (2lb 5.5 oz)
Abby:
Wed. - 1239g
Thurs. - 1297g
(2 lb 13 3/4 oz)
Speaking of baths...Abigail is once again squeaky clean. Daddy gave her a bath tonight with Poppy and Mommy looking on. This time instead of a real baby tub, we just used a squarish, pink basin. It is now her very own. She did really great this time and barely cried at all. It totally poops her out though. She is so tired and sluggish after and falls sound asleep. Daddy said he just loved being able to hold her so much and look her in the face. Maybe he'll say a few words about it (hint, hint, Daddy).
Their weights are in:
Nat:
Wed night - 1056g
Thurs. night - 1063g (2lb 5.5 oz)
Abby:
Wed. - 1239g
Thurs. - 1297g
(2 lb 13 3/4 oz)
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
The "Perfect" Mommy Moment
I think most mothers-to-be day dream about the birth of their child. We fantasize about that movie-perfect moment when our water breaks, and we wake our husbands up in the middle of the night with a gentle, "it's time, honey". In our weaker moments we fear the pain and wonder if we can handle it; in our rational moments we know better than to think about it; and in our super-mom moments we are certain that we will be the mom that goes through labor in 2 hours with minimal pain, no tearing, and without breaking a sweat. The moment I think moms (and maybe dads too) reflect on the most is that magical moment when they hand you your baby, either still slimy, mad, and wailing or bundled, warm and happy. Moms tease their husbands about whether they will cry (of course they will) and have no doubt they will flood with tears of joy. A mother-to-be imagines that instant when she sees her baby and her heart swells with love, joy, and maternal bliss and bonding. Most mothers can tell you exactly what they felt the moment they first saw their baby.
The hardest thing about pre-mature birth and NICU life is having one's fantasy blown out the window and the disconnect between mom and baby. At 26 weeks, there was nothing about me ready to give birth. My body wasn't ready and my babies certainly weren't. I never had the chance to whisper, "it's time, Ben" or struggle through labor pains. I never even had labor pains - a few Braxton Hicks, but nothing painful. Delivery was a breeze. I just had to lay there. Because the girls were so little and needed immediate support, the doctor didn't even lift them over the curtain for me to see. There were no tears - of pain or joy. There was no instant bonding. It felt like I'd given birth, but had nothing to show for it. But, surely, I thought, all the expected emotion would come later - when I could see them.
It was at least 5 hours later when I first saw my children. Everyone else had seen them: Ben, my mom, dad, step-mother, in-laws, and sister. I was wheeled in to the side of Natalie's isolette. She was so small...and dark...and wrinkly. She was also attached to a zillion monitors that dinged and beeped in a cacophony of strange sounds and lights. I was hard to even see her face with the ventilator and all the tape holding it in place. My sister warned me that they were very small, but I was prepared for that. I wasn't as surprised by their size as by the lack of emotion I felt seeing them. As a nanny, I had fallen in love with a number of children. I loved these kids with all my soul. With the depth of love I had for children that were not even my own, I was certain the love I felt for my own children would surpass anything I could even imagine. I had read of moms not bonding with their babies right away, but as much as I loved kids, I knew that would never be me. But, I never imagined having to love my children through the glass of a life-saving cocoon that kept them distant from me - not just physically, but emotionally as well. To be so close to them, yet so far away at the same time...it is the hardest part of NICU life.
Holding Natalie at 10 days old was the first time I really felt like a Mother. Even then though, still on the vent and lying against my chest, I couldn't really see her face and gaze into her eyes. Abby wasn't able to be held until she was over a month old. She was then on CPAP and had even more of her face covered. Seeing her face was completely out of the question. As the girls have gotten bigger little by little and more and more stable, we have been able to do more things for them. We can change their diapers, hold them more, and even just touch them more. And, finally, finally, I had that "perfect" Mommy Moment.
Last Thursday, July 12, I preparing to introduce Abby to breastfeeding. Prior to this, every time I had held her, it was through Kangaroo Care - meaning I held her against my bare skin as she snuggled on my chest. As I mentioned before, you can't see the baby's face this way. This time, however, she was swaddled in blankets with just her little head showing and her little hands sticking up near her face. She was breathing on her own so the only thing on her face was her feeding tube - a small tube in her nose. She looked exactly like the babies on TV look when the nurse hands the mommy the baby for the first time. And - it happened. The Mommy Moment - the moment I'd been waiting for since I found out I was pregnant. I held her in my arms and looked down at her, and it was as if I was seeing her for the first time. Her big eyes stared back up at me, searching my face, (I hoped, in recognition). Tears filled my eyes. I had my little baby in my arms, and she was absolutely beautiful. It was everything any mother had ever dreamed about. It was everything I had dreamed about.
In the end, I still had to put Abigail back in her little "glass mansion". I wanted to scoop her up and take her home. Once more, I had to tuck her in, whisper "I love you", and leave her behind. I joke a little about being a parent without any responsibility. I can stay up late piddling around and sleep as late as I want in the morning. I can go anywhere I want, whenever I want without car seats and strollers in tow. I don't have to change diapers or feed babies or wake up in the middle of the night. We are parents without babies. But, by missing out on the responsibility, we miss out on the joy too. I can't hold my babies whenever I want because it might stress them out and cause them to lose weight. I can't even hold both of them in the same day without going home to take a shower in between. I have an empty crib and drawers full of clothes that they are still too small to wear. My babies are not just in two different isolettes, right now they are in two completely different rooms and it's a juggling act to spend "equal" time with each of them. Natalie and Abigail are two months old and we still don't have a picture of them together or a family picture of all four of us. So far, being a mommy is nothing like I thought it would be. I love them with all my heart, but when I have to leave them behind, I can go home and almost forget they are real. I ache for the day when I can take care of my babies. I ache to hold them all I want and snuggle them together. I want to see them without any wires or tubes. I want to be there when they cry so I can comfort and soothe them. I am so thankful everyday for the wonderful nurses who take care of our girls. We are so blessed by their attentive care. But, I can't wait until I can give them the care they need and be the one to meet their needs with all the love a mother has to give.
Until the day comes when the girls come home, I will continue to love them through the windows of their isolettes. I will look for and hang on to those Mommy Moments. And when those Moments happen, I will remind myself that no matter how imperfect the beginning of their lives turned out to be, in that moment, all is as it should be.
The hardest thing about pre-mature birth and NICU life is having one's fantasy blown out the window and the disconnect between mom and baby. At 26 weeks, there was nothing about me ready to give birth. My body wasn't ready and my babies certainly weren't. I never had the chance to whisper, "it's time, Ben" or struggle through labor pains. I never even had labor pains - a few Braxton Hicks, but nothing painful. Delivery was a breeze. I just had to lay there. Because the girls were so little and needed immediate support, the doctor didn't even lift them over the curtain for me to see. There were no tears - of pain or joy. There was no instant bonding. It felt like I'd given birth, but had nothing to show for it. But, surely, I thought, all the expected emotion would come later - when I could see them.
It was at least 5 hours later when I first saw my children. Everyone else had seen them: Ben, my mom, dad, step-mother, in-laws, and sister. I was wheeled in to the side of Natalie's isolette. She was so small...and dark...and wrinkly. She was also attached to a zillion monitors that dinged and beeped in a cacophony of strange sounds and lights. I was hard to even see her face with the ventilator and all the tape holding it in place. My sister warned me that they were very small, but I was prepared for that. I wasn't as surprised by their size as by the lack of emotion I felt seeing them. As a nanny, I had fallen in love with a number of children. I loved these kids with all my soul. With the depth of love I had for children that were not even my own, I was certain the love I felt for my own children would surpass anything I could even imagine. I had read of moms not bonding with their babies right away, but as much as I loved kids, I knew that would never be me. But, I never imagined having to love my children through the glass of a life-saving cocoon that kept them distant from me - not just physically, but emotionally as well. To be so close to them, yet so far away at the same time...it is the hardest part of NICU life.
Holding Natalie at 10 days old was the first time I really felt like a Mother. Even then though, still on the vent and lying against my chest, I couldn't really see her face and gaze into her eyes. Abby wasn't able to be held until she was over a month old. She was then on CPAP and had even more of her face covered. Seeing her face was completely out of the question. As the girls have gotten bigger little by little and more and more stable, we have been able to do more things for them. We can change their diapers, hold them more, and even just touch them more. And, finally, finally, I had that "perfect" Mommy Moment.
Last Thursday, July 12, I preparing to introduce Abby to breastfeeding. Prior to this, every time I had held her, it was through Kangaroo Care - meaning I held her against my bare skin as she snuggled on my chest. As I mentioned before, you can't see the baby's face this way. This time, however, she was swaddled in blankets with just her little head showing and her little hands sticking up near her face. She was breathing on her own so the only thing on her face was her feeding tube - a small tube in her nose. She looked exactly like the babies on TV look when the nurse hands the mommy the baby for the first time. And - it happened. The Mommy Moment - the moment I'd been waiting for since I found out I was pregnant. I held her in my arms and looked down at her, and it was as if I was seeing her for the first time. Her big eyes stared back up at me, searching my face, (I hoped, in recognition). Tears filled my eyes. I had my little baby in my arms, and she was absolutely beautiful. It was everything any mother had ever dreamed about. It was everything I had dreamed about.
In the end, I still had to put Abigail back in her little "glass mansion". I wanted to scoop her up and take her home. Once more, I had to tuck her in, whisper "I love you", and leave her behind. I joke a little about being a parent without any responsibility. I can stay up late piddling around and sleep as late as I want in the morning. I can go anywhere I want, whenever I want without car seats and strollers in tow. I don't have to change diapers or feed babies or wake up in the middle of the night. We are parents without babies. But, by missing out on the responsibility, we miss out on the joy too. I can't hold my babies whenever I want because it might stress them out and cause them to lose weight. I can't even hold both of them in the same day without going home to take a shower in between. I have an empty crib and drawers full of clothes that they are still too small to wear. My babies are not just in two different isolettes, right now they are in two completely different rooms and it's a juggling act to spend "equal" time with each of them. Natalie and Abigail are two months old and we still don't have a picture of them together or a family picture of all four of us. So far, being a mommy is nothing like I thought it would be. I love them with all my heart, but when I have to leave them behind, I can go home and almost forget they are real. I ache for the day when I can take care of my babies. I ache to hold them all I want and snuggle them together. I want to see them without any wires or tubes. I want to be there when they cry so I can comfort and soothe them. I am so thankful everyday for the wonderful nurses who take care of our girls. We are so blessed by their attentive care. But, I can't wait until I can give them the care they need and be the one to meet their needs with all the love a mother has to give.
Until the day comes when the girls come home, I will continue to love them through the windows of their isolettes. I will look for and hang on to those Mommy Moments. And when those Moments happen, I will remind myself that no matter how imperfect the beginning of their lives turned out to be, in that moment, all is as it should be.
As I Love You Through The Glass
As I love you through the glass
a tiny hand sweeps across the blanket
reaching out to me.
You lie there in the stillness
of your slumber clinging to life;
I reach inside to touch you
and you stir slightly;
I feel a tiny breath like a feather
caress my fingers
as I love you through the glass.
One eye opens
easily staring into mine;
Can you see me?
Can you feel my presence
as I love you through the glass.
I ache to hold you;
I await the moment
when you peacefully rest in my loving arms.
A silent tear rolls down my face;
I slowly turn to walk away
only to glance back one more time
as I love you through the glass.
(c) 1998 Elena Murphy All Rights Reserved
Monday, July 16, 2007
And today's Star sticker goes to...
Natalie!!! Today she came off her nasal canula and is breathing on her own!! Go Natalie! She has been doing really well all day. When I called in about 9pm, the nurse said she's had a few desats, but she's generally doing very well. Her weight was down a bit. Sunday night she weighed 973g. As soon as she hits 1000g again, she'll take a trip to the TCN to join her sister.
Abby's report was also very good tonight. Her weight last night was 1150g so she continues to gain. The nurse said she had managed to wiggle herself sideways in her bed, and then fell fast asleep. I say - the girls will be crawling before they come home! I had some more special time with Abby today. We both took a nap while she kangarooed. I tried a little Lick and Learn today as well, but she wasn't very interested. She kept her tongue stuck to the roof of her mouth. That's one of the cues she doesn't want to play. The other thing she does is actually purse her lips together. That's actually very cute to see. So, we'll try again tomorrow and see how it goes.
Abby's report was also very good tonight. Her weight last night was 1150g so she continues to gain. The nurse said she had managed to wiggle herself sideways in her bed, and then fell fast asleep. I say - the girls will be crawling before they come home! I had some more special time with Abby today. We both took a nap while she kangarooed. I tried a little Lick and Learn today as well, but she wasn't very interested. She kept her tongue stuck to the roof of her mouth. That's one of the cues she doesn't want to play. The other thing she does is actually purse her lips together. That's actually very cute to see. So, we'll try again tomorrow and see how it goes.
Grandma has a new name!!
So Ben's mom has picked a new grandma name. Personally, I think it's darling. She will now be known as Ya-yai. It's a combination of the Thai words for grandmother. Ya is the name for the paternal grandmother and Yai the name for the maternal grandmother. So, technically, the girls will be saying "grandma-grandma" and mixing up the paternal/maternal thing, but whatever. Ya-yai sounds better than just Ya. For those a little slow on the draw, Ben's mom is from Thailand - thus the Thai name:-) I think it's a very cute name. It's simple to say too, and it may just be the first grandma/grandpa name the girls are able to pronounce.
Grandparents Rule!
It was a big weekend for Abby. Saturday, Nanny and Poppy were visiting and got to hold Abby for the first time! It was very exciting for them, and I'm sure Abby enjoyed it as well. She did really great - all wrapped up in her little blankets. After a while, she even fell asleep. She had a few desats at first with Poppy, but she had just finished eating and sometimes there is a little reflux. The further away in time she was from her feeds, the better she did. The only down side was that with Abby and Natalie in separate rooms, we can no longer cheat and have 4 people in the room. They only allow 2 visitors per bedside. Before, technically we would send in 2 to each, 4 total, but in reality, we were all over the place breaking the rules:-) So, Poppy and Nanny had to hold her separately. Fortunately, we video taped it for everyone to see.
Sunday, Ben's parents came to visit. Grandpa and Ya-yai both had a chance to hold Abby. As before, she was a dream. Ben also held her all bundled up. He has kangarooed her before, but never held her so he could see her face. The pictures are just darling.
Poor Natalie has been quite neglected. Actually, Abby has just been doing better and has more weight on her. It's quite stressful for them to be moved all around and it can cause them to lose weight by expending extra calories. As Natalie gets bigger, she can be held more too.
It was a great day all around. There are pictures and videos posted on the picture site. Check them out and enjoy!
Sunday, Ben's parents came to visit. Grandpa and Ya-yai both had a chance to hold Abby. As before, she was a dream. Ben also held her all bundled up. He has kangarooed her before, but never held her so he could see her face. The pictures are just darling.
Poor Natalie has been quite neglected. Actually, Abby has just been doing better and has more weight on her. It's quite stressful for them to be moved all around and it can cause them to lose weight by expending extra calories. As Natalie gets bigger, she can be held more too.
It was a great day all around. There are pictures and videos posted on the picture site. Check them out and enjoy!
Sunday, July 15, 2007
A Few Good Days...
I know, I know...I haven't updated in a few days. Sorry folks.
Everything is going very well. The girls are doing so well. It's been a busy few days with several visitors and assessments for Abby. In the news...
Natalie:
Natalie is finally off the CPAP and on the nasal canula since Wednesday morning. She is doing great with almost no desats or braidys. Her feeds are increasing daily and she;s tolerating them as she should. She wasn't gaining a lot of weight for several days. I think it was probably due to her failing around. She was practically crawling forward in her bed. But, she seems happier on the nasal canula and seems to be resting better. She's was also moved down to another room - room 7 - which is like a pre-TCN. There are 3 babies to 1 nurse just like the TCN. It means she's very stable, but just not quite big enough. But, her weight has started going up a little so she's getting closer.
Wed - 950g
Thurs - 957g
Fri - 1001g
Sat - 1000g (2lbs, 3 oz)
So Natalie's made the 1000g club! If she maintains it the next few days she can join Abby in the TCN. We are so proud of her!
Abby:
Abigail has been very busy. Where to start...Well, she took several trips this week. Earlier in the week she and Natalie were moved from Room 1 to triage. After only a day or two, she moved to TCN. She's been doing very well there with all her new neighbors.
Thursday was a very big day. Abby and I had a consult with a Lactation Consultant. We praticed what is called "Lick and Learn" or in fancy speak, "non-nutritional nursing". In other words, it's a "dry run" for nursing. She practices latching and sucking, but isn't supposed to get any milk (I pump first). However, there were actually a few drops that she managed not to choke on. I'm not sure if she swallowed them or spit them out. She did very, very, very well. The LC and the nurse were both very impressed. She's a natural! They thought she would probably do very well with breast feeding. She stayed very alert and interested during the session (about 15 minutes). When she started getting a little drowsy, I switched her over to Kanagroo Care. She went right to sleep and Abby and Mommy had a little rest.
Friday, we did another L & L. She wasn't as interested this time. She actually started crying a little. So, we tried the paci instead, and she loved that. The speech therapist was there for this session to evaluate her. She was pleased and Abby received her first chart of "Building Blocks to Feeding" with her first few stickers. She's well on her way.
Friday was also busy with visitors. Aunt Reagan came to visit and we went to lunch. Then my friend from UNC, Jacquelyn, came to see them for the first time. I've been trying to teach the girls good manners about opening their eyes to say hi when people visit, but they aren't listening very well yet. Oh, well. You know kids. They never want to perform on cue!
Abby's weight is finally progressing. The nurse was actually concerned that my milk was watery. The LC took samples and ran tests to see how caloric it is. Turns out it's VERY caloric. My hind milk, the last and fattest milk to come out was 35 calories an ounce. That's very, very good. I was a little disappointed to be honest. The cure for low calorie milk is a high-fat diet. I was really looking forward to those frosty and french fry binges!
Wed - 1081g
Thurs - 1095g
Fri - 1122g
Sat - 1136g (~2lbs 8oz!!!)
So, all is well with the girls. I'll try to post some more pictures soon. They are really getting cute now that they have weight on them!
Everything is going very well. The girls are doing so well. It's been a busy few days with several visitors and assessments for Abby. In the news...
Natalie:
Natalie is finally off the CPAP and on the nasal canula since Wednesday morning. She is doing great with almost no desats or braidys. Her feeds are increasing daily and she;s tolerating them as she should. She wasn't gaining a lot of weight for several days. I think it was probably due to her failing around. She was practically crawling forward in her bed. But, she seems happier on the nasal canula and seems to be resting better. She's was also moved down to another room - room 7 - which is like a pre-TCN. There are 3 babies to 1 nurse just like the TCN. It means she's very stable, but just not quite big enough. But, her weight has started going up a little so she's getting closer.
Wed - 950g
Thurs - 957g
Fri - 1001g
Sat - 1000g (2lbs, 3 oz)
So Natalie's made the 1000g club! If she maintains it the next few days she can join Abby in the TCN. We are so proud of her!
Abby:
Abigail has been very busy. Where to start...Well, she took several trips this week. Earlier in the week she and Natalie were moved from Room 1 to triage. After only a day or two, she moved to TCN. She's been doing very well there with all her new neighbors.
Thursday was a very big day. Abby and I had a consult with a Lactation Consultant. We praticed what is called "Lick and Learn" or in fancy speak, "non-nutritional nursing". In other words, it's a "dry run" for nursing. She practices latching and sucking, but isn't supposed to get any milk (I pump first). However, there were actually a few drops that she managed not to choke on. I'm not sure if she swallowed them or spit them out. She did very, very, very well. The LC and the nurse were both very impressed. She's a natural! They thought she would probably do very well with breast feeding. She stayed very alert and interested during the session (about 15 minutes). When she started getting a little drowsy, I switched her over to Kanagroo Care. She went right to sleep and Abby and Mommy had a little rest.
Friday, we did another L & L. She wasn't as interested this time. She actually started crying a little. So, we tried the paci instead, and she loved that. The speech therapist was there for this session to evaluate her. She was pleased and Abby received her first chart of "Building Blocks to Feeding" with her first few stickers. She's well on her way.
Friday was also busy with visitors. Aunt Reagan came to visit and we went to lunch. Then my friend from UNC, Jacquelyn, came to see them for the first time. I've been trying to teach the girls good manners about opening their eyes to say hi when people visit, but they aren't listening very well yet. Oh, well. You know kids. They never want to perform on cue!
Abby's weight is finally progressing. The nurse was actually concerned that my milk was watery. The LC took samples and ran tests to see how caloric it is. Turns out it's VERY caloric. My hind milk, the last and fattest milk to come out was 35 calories an ounce. That's very, very good. I was a little disappointed to be honest. The cure for low calorie milk is a high-fat diet. I was really looking forward to those frosty and french fry binges!
Wed - 1081g
Thurs - 1095g
Fri - 1122g
Sat - 1136g (~2lbs 8oz!!!)
So, all is well with the girls. I'll try to post some more pictures soon. They are really getting cute now that they have weight on them!
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
A Comment on Comments
In case you didn't know...you can leave a comment by clicking on the word "comments" at the bottom of each post. The page that appears has a large square where you can write a note. You must also click on "other" - where I'm guessing it asks for some information, or anonymous. If you click on anonymous, be sure to put your name at the end of the post. Otherwise we can't tell who left the note.
We really enjoy reading the messages left. I actually scroll back through occasionally to see if there are any new ones. It makes us feel so good to see tangible proof that people are reading and checking on our girls. Of course, you don't have t o leave a comment, but I thought I'd mention it since some of the less technologically savvy (like my dad, sorry dad) have probably not even noticed the option.
We really enjoy reading the messages left. I actually scroll back through occasionally to see if there are any new ones. It makes us feel so good to see tangible proof that people are reading and checking on our girls. Of course, you don't have t o leave a comment, but I thought I'd mention it since some of the less technologically savvy (like my dad, sorry dad) have probably not even noticed the option.
Moving on up...
The last two days have been busy. Late Tuesday evening Abby was moved from the ICN to the TCN (Transitional Care Nursery). This is a great step for her. The TCN is for babies who are more stable and need less monitoring. The nurses handle 3 babies instead of just two. She is still doing a great job breathing on her own. Tomorrow I'm hoping to meet with the lactation consultant to start what is called "Lick and Learn". She's not ready to learn to nurse, but it's a way to introduce her to the breast.
Although the move is a great step for Abby, it now means that Abby and Natalie are separated for the first time. While it is not only a logistical issue now, it's also a little sad. However, hopefully Natalie will use this an incentive to work hard to join her sister in TCN. She has moved to the nasal canula as of 9 am this morning, and is doing quite well. She needs to maintain it to join Abby (no CPAP babies in TCN). She also needs to reach and maintain 1000g. She is currently at 950g so she's getting close. If she gains the desired 30ish g a day, it will still be at least 3 or 4 more days. If we are lucky, she will make it by the end of the weekend. Oh, Natalie also had her PIC (IV) line removed today which makes her eligible for a bath.
In other news...
Although the move is a great step for Abby, it now means that Abby and Natalie are separated for the first time. While it is not only a logistical issue now, it's also a little sad. However, hopefully Natalie will use this an incentive to work hard to join her sister in TCN. She has moved to the nasal canula as of 9 am this morning, and is doing quite well. She needs to maintain it to join Abby (no CPAP babies in TCN). She also needs to reach and maintain 1000g. She is currently at 950g so she's getting close. If she gains the desired 30ish g a day, it will still be at least 3 or 4 more days. If we are lucky, she will make it by the end of the weekend. Oh, Natalie also had her PIC (IV) line removed today which makes her eligible for a bath.
In other news...
The girls has another eye exam Tuesday. This time they found mild ROP (Retinopathy of Prematurity) in both girls. Fortunately, this should not affect their eyesight in any way. This is very good news.
Mommy and Daddy have just been hanging out and enjoying our remaining time together sans kids. We've visited my mom and Mema and some friends. We also visited Pamplin Park, a Civil War Memorial Site on 85N almost to Petersburg (highly recommended). I'm enjoying sleeping late and bumming around. I do this guilt-free since I figure my day is coming. I figure I'll enjoy it while I can. I'm also working on the girls scrapbooks, which has been really fun. It's hard to believe it's already been 8 1/2 weeks since the girls were born. If all goes well, they'll be home in only 6 more weeks!
Mommy and Daddy have just been hanging out and enjoying our remaining time together sans kids. We've visited my mom and Mema and some friends. We also visited Pamplin Park, a Civil War Memorial Site on 85N almost to Petersburg (highly recommended). I'm enjoying sleeping late and bumming around. I do this guilt-free since I figure my day is coming. I figure I'll enjoy it while I can. I'm also working on the girls scrapbooks, which has been really fun. It's hard to believe it's already been 8 1/2 weeks since the girls were born. If all goes well, they'll be home in only 6 more weeks!
Monday, July 9, 2007
Not for the faint at heart...
If you have a vivid imagination and a weak stomach, you may want to skip this one.
Yesterday, Abby had the biggest projectile poop! After being held by Ben for over an hour, I was changing her diaper. I had her little bottom up in the air and squiiiirt - poop straight out hitting the end of the isolette 6-8 inches away. I thought it was pretty funny. Ben had to walk to the other side of the room. Welcome to parenthood, darling! I do have to say the best part was being able to leave the majority of the mess for the nurse to clean up. I did clean Abby up and put some clean blankets under her, and of course, put on a new diaper. I would have cleaned it up more, but I really didn't know where to put the dirty stuff. Fortunately Abby was due for a new bed anyway. So, even thought I really didn't know where to put the mess, it was nice not to worry about it. I figure I have my fair share of dirty clothes, blankets, and maybe even walls to clean up!
Yesterday, Abby had the biggest projectile poop! After being held by Ben for over an hour, I was changing her diaper. I had her little bottom up in the air and squiiiirt - poop straight out hitting the end of the isolette 6-8 inches away. I thought it was pretty funny. Ben had to walk to the other side of the room. Welcome to parenthood, darling! I do have to say the best part was being able to leave the majority of the mess for the nurse to clean up. I did clean Abby up and put some clean blankets under her, and of course, put on a new diaper. I would have cleaned it up more, but I really didn't know where to put the dirty stuff. Fortunately Abby was due for a new bed anyway. So, even thought I really didn't know where to put the mess, it was nice not to worry about it. I figure I have my fair share of dirty clothes, blankets, and maybe even walls to clean up!
Happy News!
Happy News today! Abby is off her nasal canula and breathing entirely on her own! This is very exciting news. We also can't wait to see her little face without anything attached to it. Saturday night she weighed in at 1060g. She's doing a great job growing. She also enjoyed Daddy holding her for over an hour yesterday. Tomorrow, we start the kanagroo care study so Mommy and Abby will have some special time together.
Natalie is still hanging on to her CPAP. Her weight is holding just above 2 lbs - Sunday night she was at 940g. She keeps moving around a lot and that's probably costing her some calories. She's doing really great on her CPAP, no major desats or braidys but we'd still like to see her take that next step to the nasal canula.
Natalie is still hanging on to her CPAP. Her weight is holding just above 2 lbs - Sunday night she was at 940g. She keeps moving around a lot and that's probably costing her some calories. She's doing really great on her CPAP, no major desats or braidys but we'd still like to see her take that next step to the nasal canula.
Saturday, July 7, 2007
DeNile is not a river in Egypt...
...it's an art form! Which Ben and I have been accused of perfecting - especially me! It's come to my attention that it's been said that we have a serious case of denial when it comes to the health of our girls. I say, yes! And more power to us!
Honestly, it is true that we have been especially optimistic about the girls since we first found out about the Twin to Twin Transfusion. I'm not sure if we were in a state of shock and unable to think about the possible outcomes or if we just had faith everything would be okay. I think it actually depended on what moment it was. There were nights when we would pray for our babies and I would think about the choices we might have to make. I imagined trying to choose between our children and actually deciding who would live and who would die. It was unimaginable, and I cried many tears over the very thought. Then I would just put it out of my mind and believe everything would work out. To think otherwise was excruciating. I think God gave the human mind the ability to exist in denial so we could survive the hardest times. There's only so much stress and emotional trauma a person can take before one collapses in a worthless heap. When one needs to remain strong to face what must be faced, denial may be the only way to go.
Also, in my defense... when the girls were really sick at about two weeks old, I honestly had no idea. Hmm, that doesn't sounds like much of a defense. The defense part is that the doctors didn't TELL us things were so bad. We thought it was all just part of normal premature baby stuff. I did learn however, that next time they seem sick, I will ASK how worried I should be.
So maybe we don't come across as completely rooted in reality when it comes to our children. But hey, name a parent who doesn't think their child is the prettiest, cutest, smartest, most adorable kid ever. Reality and parenthood don't always go hand in hand. Sometimes living a little in a little fantasy world is good for the soul.
Honestly, it is true that we have been especially optimistic about the girls since we first found out about the Twin to Twin Transfusion. I'm not sure if we were in a state of shock and unable to think about the possible outcomes or if we just had faith everything would be okay. I think it actually depended on what moment it was. There were nights when we would pray for our babies and I would think about the choices we might have to make. I imagined trying to choose between our children and actually deciding who would live and who would die. It was unimaginable, and I cried many tears over the very thought. Then I would just put it out of my mind and believe everything would work out. To think otherwise was excruciating. I think God gave the human mind the ability to exist in denial so we could survive the hardest times. There's only so much stress and emotional trauma a person can take before one collapses in a worthless heap. When one needs to remain strong to face what must be faced, denial may be the only way to go.
Also, in my defense... when the girls were really sick at about two weeks old, I honestly had no idea. Hmm, that doesn't sounds like much of a defense. The defense part is that the doctors didn't TELL us things were so bad. We thought it was all just part of normal premature baby stuff. I did learn however, that next time they seem sick, I will ASK how worried I should be.
So maybe we don't come across as completely rooted in reality when it comes to our children. But hey, name a parent who doesn't think their child is the prettiest, cutest, smartest, most adorable kid ever. Reality and parenthood don't always go hand in hand. Sometimes living a little in a little fantasy world is good for the soul.
Friday, July 6, 2007
Friday
The girls continue to do well. Abby is doing extremely well on the nasal canula. She has been on room air most of the time. Her feeds are increasing to 12.2ml 2 hours on/ 2 hours off. Remember, that means 24.4 ml total over the two hours, then two hours to digest. It's working too, because she is pooping and peeing well and growing! Last night she was 1044g. Now that she is maintaining 1000g, Abby and I are going to be involved in study doing kangaroo care. Since we are doing kangaroo care anyway, we might as well help science!
Natalie is also doing well - as her CPAP. They have tried a few times to put her on the nasal canula but she keeps desating and braiding down when they try. So, she goes back on the CPAP and is happy as a lark. Maybe in a day or two she'll be happy on the nasal canula. On the good side, her feeds are increasing. At 4pm today, she will be on 7.6ml 2on/2 off (15.2ml total). Her urine output is good and we've been privy to a few blow-outs! She's weighing in at 911g - just above 2 lbs.
They both also have a condition called Hydronephrosis, officially "the distinction and dilation of the renal pelvis, usually caused by obstruction of the free flow of urine from the kidney". It's not a huge deal, except the back flow of urine in the kidney can cause an infection. So, they are being given oral antibiotics just in case that happens.
They have both been practicing with their pacifiers which are nearly as big as half their heads. They especially give them to them while being feed so they can associate getting a full feeling with sucking. Hopefully soon, we can start introducing the bottle and breast. That's a big step towards going home. The nurse also mentioned that they could share a bed once they each learn how to regulate their temperatures. That usually begins to happen around 1400g. Hopefully, that will happen in about 2 weeks if they continue to gain well. Soon they will progress actively to the eating and growing stage and they will be that much closer to coming home!
Natalie is also doing well - as her CPAP. They have tried a few times to put her on the nasal canula but she keeps desating and braiding down when they try. So, she goes back on the CPAP and is happy as a lark. Maybe in a day or two she'll be happy on the nasal canula. On the good side, her feeds are increasing. At 4pm today, she will be on 7.6ml 2on/2 off (15.2ml total). Her urine output is good and we've been privy to a few blow-outs! She's weighing in at 911g - just above 2 lbs.
They both also have a condition called Hydronephrosis, officially "the distinction and dilation of the renal pelvis, usually caused by obstruction of the free flow of urine from the kidney". It's not a huge deal, except the back flow of urine in the kidney can cause an infection. So, they are being given oral antibiotics just in case that happens.
They have both been practicing with their pacifiers which are nearly as big as half their heads. They especially give them to them while being feed so they can associate getting a full feeling with sucking. Hopefully soon, we can start introducing the bottle and breast. That's a big step towards going home. The nurse also mentioned that they could share a bed once they each learn how to regulate their temperatures. That usually begins to happen around 1400g. Hopefully, that will happen in about 2 weeks if they continue to gain well. Soon they will progress actively to the eating and growing stage and they will be that much closer to coming home!
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
Rub-a-dub-dub...Abby's in the tub!!
Tuesday, July 3, was great! The girls are seven weeks old, AND Abby had her first real bath! The removal of her PIC or IV line made her eligible for a real water bath complete with little rubber toy (although not a ducky). For the first time, they took off all her wires and attachments - everything except her nasal canula to help her breathe. It was the first time we had ever seen her unattached. Abby is growing so much, and she was so beautiful. The nurse set up everything including big lights to warm her while she was in the bath. Daddy filled the tub, and then in went little Abby. It was so much fun - for Mommy and Daddy anyway. Abby wasn't as thrilled. She cried her little tiny baby cry - and I'm embarrassed to say, Mommy laughed. It was just too cute. Mommy washed while Daddy videoed and took pictures (see picture and video site). Thanks, Daddy. Mommy was so excited to do the first bath. Daddy gets the next one. Abby's first bath included washing all over and even washing her hair. Her first bath was even complete with poopy in the bath. Don't worry - we used clean water to wash her hair! Much thanks to Nurse Gina who helped us - especially in holding her.
I absolutely loved giving Abby a bath. It may have been the best thing so far. I think because I could see her face while I was bathing her. When we hold the girls, they snuggle against our chest and we really can't see their faces. During the bath, we could really get a good look at her. After her bath, she was all wrapped up in a blanket and I could hold her just like a regular little baby. It was wonderful. I could have held her like that all day. Unfortunately, we had to put her back to check her vitals and warm her back up. (She did cool down a little during the bath.) After she was snuggled back in, she was so cute. She was also very tired. She fell asleep pretty quickly and you could tell it was one of those deep, floppy-arm type sleeps. It was well deserved. Abby did great at her first bath.
Unfortunately, we can only give her a bath once a week. So, we will eagerly anticipate next week's bath. Also, hopefully Natalie will have her IV line removed soon and she can have a turn. I'm sure she can't wait!
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Grandpa and Abby are in cohoots!
My Dad and Mom went to see the babies this past weekend and took this great picture. I think Grandpa has a new buddy. Tell me Dad, what are you and Abby planning?
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Catching up...
We've been away a few days. Ben and I enjoyed a weekend FINALLY taking some things to my mom's house to store in the basement. We've been trying to get it there for two months, but things kept happening - like babies being born! But it's finally there. Thanks to mom for having a basement with ample storage room.
We then traveled to our friends' new house in Newland, NC - near Blowing Rock. Kevin and Maria are friends from Johns River Valley Camp and hosted our other camp friends as well. As always, it was great fun - complete with a campfire in the woods. From there we hopped on the parkway in Linville and stopped at Linville Falls for an impromptu hike to the waterfalls. It was a lovely weekend, but tiring. Ben promptly took a nap when we finally arrived home!
We haven't seen the girls this weekend, but we have called to check. Sometime Saturday, Abigail hit 1000 grams! As of tonight, she is back at 989grams. But she's still above 2 lbs. Natalie is very quickly catching up and has also hit the 2 lb mark! Tonight, she was 919 grams. My, my they are getting fat!!!
In the past few days, both girls have gone back on CPAP tp have a little rest from the nasal canula. Oh, I finally learned what CPAP stands for - Continuous Positive Airway Pressure. It does just what it says. The girls weren't peeing enough too, so they increased the laxis.
On Friday we had a sit down with the doctor and nurse practitioner. We went from head to bottom with each system. Basically, the girls are doing very well. They are exactly where they would expect them to be considering their gestational age and age at birth. The plan from this point out is to feed and grow - and learn to breathe. The biggest potential hurdle is a dreaded condition called NEC. It's the black plague of premature babies. It's essentially the degeneration of the gut tissue. They don't know what causes it or really even how to treat it effectively. A baby can get it in any form from mild to severe. The doctor said a baby can go from healthy to death in 12 hours. It really is the plague. The next four weeks or so are the most critical and when it would be most likely. SO - our new motto is -"no NEC, no NEC, no NEC". Everyone together now..."no NEC, No NEC, No NEC". Very good. Repeat, repeat, repeat.
We continue to look for continued growth and strengthening lungs. Thank you so much for all your prayers. They really are working. Natalie and Abigail are getting stronger every day.
We then traveled to our friends' new house in Newland, NC - near Blowing Rock. Kevin and Maria are friends from Johns River Valley Camp and hosted our other camp friends as well. As always, it was great fun - complete with a campfire in the woods. From there we hopped on the parkway in Linville and stopped at Linville Falls for an impromptu hike to the waterfalls. It was a lovely weekend, but tiring. Ben promptly took a nap when we finally arrived home!
We haven't seen the girls this weekend, but we have called to check. Sometime Saturday, Abigail hit 1000 grams! As of tonight, she is back at 989grams. But she's still above 2 lbs. Natalie is very quickly catching up and has also hit the 2 lb mark! Tonight, she was 919 grams. My, my they are getting fat!!!
In the past few days, both girls have gone back on CPAP tp have a little rest from the nasal canula. Oh, I finally learned what CPAP stands for - Continuous Positive Airway Pressure. It does just what it says. The girls weren't peeing enough too, so they increased the laxis.
On Friday we had a sit down with the doctor and nurse practitioner. We went from head to bottom with each system. Basically, the girls are doing very well. They are exactly where they would expect them to be considering their gestational age and age at birth. The plan from this point out is to feed and grow - and learn to breathe. The biggest potential hurdle is a dreaded condition called NEC. It's the black plague of premature babies. It's essentially the degeneration of the gut tissue. They don't know what causes it or really even how to treat it effectively. A baby can get it in any form from mild to severe. The doctor said a baby can go from healthy to death in 12 hours. It really is the plague. The next four weeks or so are the most critical and when it would be most likely. SO - our new motto is -"no NEC, no NEC, no NEC". Everyone together now..."no NEC, No NEC, No NEC". Very good. Repeat, repeat, repeat.
We continue to look for continued growth and strengthening lungs. Thank you so much for all your prayers. They really are working. Natalie and Abigail are getting stronger every day.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)