Thursday, January 10, 2008

One Bad Day

Today things are really tough. I think I'm losing my mind. We've been struggling with the girls' food totals since trying the #2 nipple as suggested by Speech Therapy (ST). Before that, they were hitting 600. The dropped into the 300's with the #2 and now are barely making 550 - on a good day. Today is not a good day.

Today's schedule.
7am - Abby 80mls, Nat 80mls
8-10am - sleep
10am - mommy up - Nat awake - she eats 30mls
10:30 - wake Abby - she eats nothing
12ish - down for a nap - Nat drifts off, Abby never does
12:30ish - Ben home for lunch - Abby still awake and starts crying. Ben gets her up and she eats, after much crying and struggle, about 80mls.
12:45pm - Nat wakes - mommy tries to feed her - she eats 60mls.
1:15pm - Daddy leaves for work, Mommy cries, Abby asleep in swing - a terrible habit I will have to break later, and Nat refuses to eat more and is now playing somewhat quietly on floor...wait, no, now she's starting to fuss. I think she's tired.

So, in 5 hours the girls have eaten only about 5.5 oz for Abby and 5ish oz for Nat. And that's over THREE feeds. They should be taking that in one feed.

Yesterday's doctor appointment did little to make me feel better. Our pediatrician in on maternity leave so this was a different doctor and although he said he thought they were doing okay and he wasn't worried about brain development or anything serious, they really hadn't gained much weight. Abby, at 12.1 lbs, had gained 10 oz since Dec 21 and Natalie, 10.14 lbs, only 9oz. That's only about 3 oz a week, less than half of what "they" want. That news followed by this awful morning doesn't do much for my mood.

I've also been torn over whether or not to stop pumping. I'm down to only 2 times a day, but it's starting to really annoy me. It takes SOOO long - at least an hour. Of course, the guilt is tremendous. Especially with the winter and RSV/Flu, etc., I just feel that the breast milk will help them. On the other hand, I'm really starting to resent it. Every day I decide to quit, then I decide - just once more.

The worst part of the whole thing is that no one can help us. I want to have the nanny come over, but the truth is there's not much she can do. Natalie and Abby are just impossible to feed. Shoot, Ben and I can barely do it and we do it every day. My sister is really the only one who could probably replace us completely for a feed. Dad and Peggy, especially Peggy, have pretty good success. Doy and Richard are gaining some skills, but one of us usually has to finish the baby off. My mom is always helping us clean, cook or do laundry and hasn't perfected her skills yet. None of it really matters anyway since they all live far away. Two hours is the closest, and of course my sister is in New York which is exactly conducive to recuse feeding.

It's a terrible feeling to worry about your babies all the time. Ben is actually a better feeder than I am, which really sucks since I'm the one home with them all day. I count the hours until he comes home for lunch, and then until the end of the day. Only 4 hours to go...

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