Wow! The girls are 6 months old today (well, the day I started this post - Nov 15). Isn't that amazing? Of course, they look like they were just born size-wise. We had a peds appointment today and the girls weighed in at 8lbs 10oz and 9lbs 10oz. The doctor was very thrilled with their developmental progress. She placed them at about 4 months in corrected developmental age. This is fantastic since it places them only 2 months behind their actual age. Not bad considering they were 3 1/2 months early! She also said that their brains had not been starving to death. She said she would have told me if she'd been really concerned. As I had hoped, the body in all its wonder sends calories first to the places that needs them the most. The fact that they were gaining some weight meant that there were at least a few calories left over for growing. Thank goodness we didn't do any permanent damage. Mommy guilt resolved.
The 6 month mark feels like some kind of milestone. There were certainly days when we weren't sure if Natalie and Abigail would ever see 6 months. For me, I think the scariest days were those 10 days between when we found out about the TTTS and their birth. There were so many questions and possible scenarios - and few of them were good. I remember the most horrifying thought was the possibility of having to choose to let one baby die so the other might live and be more healthy. Even the idea of having to choose was heart-wrenching. For us, we would have never allowed one baby to die to save the other. We would have delivered them both and hoped for the best. For me, it was the hardest decision we never had to make. I was almost grateful when circumstances deteriorated to the point where delivery was the only option.
I actually felt a great sense of relief when the girls were born. The fact that they were born alive felt like a victory for me. I felt like they were better off outside the womb in the hands of the doctors than inside of me where there was little that could be done. Outside, at least there was a chance.
Once Natalie and Abigail were born, I don't think I ever believed they wouldn't survive. Memorial Day weekend, when they were so sick and really on the brink of death, Ben and I had no idea so we never really had to panic. My concern was primarily how they would survive, rather than if they would survive. I worried about whether they would spend their lives in pain or unable to do the things that other children do. The early days when they were on and off the vent, CPAP, and nasal canula were the worst. I worried about their lungs and if they would ever learn to breathe of their own. Once they mastered that, I was sure everything would fall into place. That was also about the same time they started getting really cute. They started to look like real babies and they were gorgeous. I hate to brag, but everybody thought so. All the nurses raved and raved about how beautiful they were. Okay, actually, I like to brag:-)
There were so many days when everything seemed to go exactly the right way. They were doing so well they moved to TCN at Duke. They started trying to bottle feed and breast feed with great success. The were gaining weight like champs. We were so encouraged and sure they would make it home even before their due date. Everything seemed perfect.
In some ways, the last 10 weeks in the hospital were the most frustrating. The girls were moved to Durham Regional on July 23 while I was in NYC with my sister. From then on, everything seemed to go downhill. They made so little progress while they were there. In fact, they got worse. I can honestly say, they left the hospital in nearly the same condition in which they arrived. My biggest regret in that I didn't fight harder for them to come home on their due date. The additional 4-6 weeks they stayed were completely useless. I think the doctors would still have them there trying to get them to eat if I hadn't insisted.
We had such high hopes for success in eating once they came home. Things started so well with Natalie, but have sadly not progressed as we hoped. Abigail was and remains a challenge. Sometimes I wonder if that extra time in the hospital did them more harm than good. I wonder what would have happened if they had come home earlier.
In any case, here we are at 6 months old. The girls have been home for 2 months and they are a delight. They are so beautiful and so much fun. It's so amazing watching them discover the world around them. They are really the most perfect babies. They sleep well, rarely fuss or cry unless really hungry or in pain, and are happy and smiling. Despite the moments of heart-ache, we are so blessed by the most amazing, precious babies. Being a mom is an amazing feeling. Even though I still feel like I'm on an extended babysitting job at times, I can't imagine being anywhere but at home with them. There is truly no where else I'd rather be.
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